For the Pastor's Wife

2008-08-14T06:00:00.000-04:00

"Amici diem perdidi"

As fall approaches you may be asking the same question I am: What happened to the summer? I waited so long for it and was just in the midst of really relaxing and enjoying my time off from school when suddenly I walked into Target and there were school supplies and backpacks as far as the eye could see. So summer is winding up for me, for those of us who are headed back to school and onto other phases of life. Maybe you feel as if it’s the same old thing for you. Whether the kids are going back to school, or you just find yourself in the yearly routine of getting your house—even your life ready for fall and the winter months that will follow—I want to challenge you to add some new things to your life. Whether learning a new skill, increasing your knowledge in some particular field, or just becoming more proficient at the things you do every day, there’s always room for improvement.

The average person sits in front of the TV or computer—just to pass the time away—for 2 hours each day. I’d even say that’s a conservative figure. But, if you add even those 2 little hours up over the course of 60 years—they amount to a full seven years! Do you realize what could have been accomplished in seven years? One might earn a master’s degree, or become an accomplished musician. One could excel in a foreign language or learn to become an excellent seamstress. The possibilities are endless. What you decide to do with those two hours a day could make a very big difference in your life in terms of feeling fulfilled and feeling as if you are accomplishing something.

As a pastor’s wife, if you just sit around at home, flipping through magazines or clipping coupons or cutting out Sunday school crafts, you may look back on your life one day and wonder what it was all about. Do something for yourself, to enrich yourself, to use all the talents and gifts God has given you. We know we invest in our children, husbands, and others—but don’t forget yourself. Reading is an excellent way to increase your vocabulary and your knowledge of the world around you. It doesn’t cost a thing—you always have the library or the Internet. Read the Word of God, study it, and look at what the commentators are saying. Become a thinker. Plan. Dream. Act. There’s a Latin phrase I have often used in teaching the young ladies in my weekly Sunday school class, its poignancy is revealed in only three Latin words: Amici diem perdidi. The interpretation? “Friends, I have lost a day.”

May you have the most productive and rewarding seasons just around the corner. "So teach us to number our days, that we may apply our hearts unto wisdom." Psalm 90:12

2008-07-28T15:22:00.004-04:00

This is a very warm, very muggy day and I am writing this article late in the afternoon on a Monday in July. There is, of all things on a day like this—a small bowl of jellybeans right next to my computer mouse, and it is so hot up here in my room, I think my jellybeans have begun to sweat. Yuck. I hate sticky, moist, jellybeans. I pop a pink one in my mouth and discover it is not as sticky as I assumed, but I figure I better eat them fast or they will turn into a little pile gooey, gummy, globs.
Sometimes, as a Pastor’s wife, you are going to find yourself in the middle of a very sticky situation. Hopefully, you will not be the one who has actually brought about the difficult circumstance-peradventure you will find yourself drawn into the middle of something that needs-shall we say-unsticking. Most sticky situations are about as uncomfortable as the temperature feels this very moment as I write this. I usually love the warm—even hot—weather, but today there is so much humidity in the air it is just oppressive. Some sticky situations that take place in church can also be oppressive. Every one is getting her feeling’s hurt and people aren’t thinking spiritually, and this one just can’t see the light of reason. So what do you do when your good husband asks you to go and see if you can figure out what’s going on? Run and hide? Ignore the whole thing? We can’t do that because confrontation, while not very pleasant, is very necessary for continued harmony in a church family. And, the Scriptures tell us that those of us who are older in the Lord need to help and instruct the younger ones. So, often times we may find ourselves trying to reason with someone who refuses to be reasonable! We may have to confront someone who refuses to budge. So, what to do? First of all, don’t make a move-do not utter a word without first seeking the Lord and asking for His leadership and direction. Ask Him to prepare the heart of the one to whom you wish to speak so that they will receive the benefit of your counsel. Second, when you do approach someone, be a good listener. (Ever sit down and pour your heart out to someone, yet, you can tell they’re not listening to a word you say-they’re just waiting to fire off their answer to you?) You’ve got to pray when you’re listening-asking the Lord for insight. Third of all-sometimes reconciliation may involve getting all parties together and listening to all sides. It’s not always the most productive for it can turn into a case of he said/she said, however, if you listen closely, you will be able with the Lord’s help, to detect any inconsistencies. Fourth of all, if you are blessed enough to be dealing with sound converts and spiritually minded people-remember this: when the entire thing is over and appears to be resolved, you’ve just got to be yourself whenever you see that person again. Don’t act strange, don’t act distant-just be a friend and be yourself.
I hope you don’t find yourself in too many sticky circumstances—but if you do, maybe these little tips will be a help and blessing to you.

2008-06-17T12:27:00.003-04:00

The summer has definitely arrived here on Long Island. It is 97 degrees here today and not a very June day at all. Our June days are easy on the heat, usually pleasant but not unusual to need a sweater now and then. June is always synonymous with the end of school and the beginning of summer vacation in New York—a time of year when even the month’s name itself even sounds like a big sigh of relief. June.

I hope you will take time this summer to enjoy your children. I always made big plans for each summer. Lots of goals, lots of things I wanted to do with the kids. Lots of things I wanted them to learn. To be completely frank, we did not have a lot of money to go out to eat or to go places or to buy things. But I tried to make the most out of what we had. A special day would start off nice and early with English muffins and tea out on our back screened in porch. Our son, Tim, was always an early bird and he loved it when it would just be him and me out there, listening to the birds, sipping tea, and talking over life’s big issues-as big as they get for an eight-year-old. I always kept the kids on an easy schedule for the summer-but a schedule just the same. Mornings were for their various chores, practicing their instruments and so on. Lunch was always served at noon. It wasn’t often anything to write home about—just a few sandwiches, chips, iced tea or juice. But they would come in when I called them and the table would be all set and we could sit and chat for a few minutes then.

The afternoons were always long and lazy and always included tall, colorful ice pops and on some days a trip to a lake to feed the ducks or go fishing. Most days, our four children were out in the yard, building forts, or exploring, riding bikes, running under a sprinkler, or spreading a blanket under a tree and reading. We didn’t indulge our children with too many material things, but to this day-strangely enough-they thank us for that.

At dinnertime, when my good husband came home, everyone was so glad to see him. Dinner would always be served about the same time each evening and the conversation would buzz around the table. After dinner, my husband might go out and play kick ball with the kids or throw a baseball around with the boys while I cleaned up the kitchen. Evenings were for riding your bikes until twilight, catching fireflies, song times around a little open fireplace, and what the kids always called “heart-to-heart” talks.

Before long it would be shower time—with reminders for the boys to make sure they dried themselves. After snack time—for heaven forbid they should be sent to bed without a snack—it was onto the tucking in ritual: lying on the boys’ beds, talking, looking at hunting magazines or Yankee yearbooks-depending on the boy, and praying. Then onto the girls and listening to all of Jenni’s inspirations and ideas—which always seemed most prolific at bedtime. And finally, slipping under the tent Ashley had made out of her covers, to find her there, wide-eyed with her flashlight and The Box Car Children. And so their day was done, and they were all clean and cozy and prepared for the night’s long rest ahead. I can still picture their faces: Tim, always brown as a bunny after a long day in the sun, Jen’s face all rosy and John and Ashley’s faces sprinkled with sunshine induced freckles. The summer had finally come to call.

I never got to go calling very much as a young mother-even though I was a “Pastor’s wife.” I never felt the urgency to go running all around trying to solve everyone’s problems while I left my children on the front doorstep. The way I saw it—the way my good husband very strongly felt about it, was that nothing in the world was more important to us right then, than investing in our little children, and loving them, giving them security, and developing their character. And in so doing, create life long bonds with them that knit our hearts and lives together so much so that today, the bonds are powerful and secure. They have, at times, been tested by adversity and stretched by distance, yet, they are always there, because they have been nurtured, bolstered, and cherished. The most significant consequence to all of our handiwork with our children is this—and this is the sum of this entire article: because we obeyed the Lord and invested in our children, our children followed our faith. They sit around our table like olive plants, thanks be only to God, just like the Psalmist said they would.

Who can tell the lifelong affect you will have on your children, or, of the bonds that will be established, just by your investing in their lives this summer. Here's to ice pops, jars of fireflies, and never losing your child's heart.

2008-05-14T08:00:00.000-04:00

Within a church family, there will always be people who seem to ruffle the flock’s feathers. They may be people who just have no idea about the way they come across to others; how offensive their words are at times, or how unlike Christ their tone of voice is. Sometimes these people need to be confronted. You cannot sacrifice the peace and well being of the multitude for a few people. When our children were younger, one child was never allowed to dominate (for long!) or spoil a family evening or outing for the others. The offender would be corrected and sometimes removed to a solitary place until his or her behavior improved.

In a church setting, with your good husband’s permission, you may have to be the one who has to approach an individual (woman) who is causing problems in order to help her and keep peace. I have found that a good Christian woman, though she may be at fault, will be ready and willing to receive Christlike instruction and a gentle rebuke. There may be tears shed, or even an attempt at a lame explanation, but when all is said and done, she will love you for bringing this to her attention and make the necessary changes for the improvement of her relationships within the church family and, of course, for the glory of God.

However, I have dealt with women over the 23+ years in the ministry who have had quite a different response. All of them—every single one—turned out to be false professors in the end. You can’t talk to them. They have done nothing wrong. They are defensive and turn into a crying, pity-partying, slobbering, angry mess. And heaven forbid you should approach them about one of their children! No football team has tougher defense tactics.

As saved people, we are constantly growing, changing, and becoming more like Jesus Christ. In the process, we should be thought well of, as a good, kind, thoughtful servant of the Lord. We should speak to others lovingly, and never talk down to them. Always being especially conscientious of the lost all around us.

Be a leading lady in your church family. Show others you are Christlike, loving, and approachable. Be someone to smooth ruffled feathers and bring about that peace that makes for beautiful unity within the church family.

2008-04-30T22:53:00.003-04:00

Someone cleverly said, ”Let us be grateful to the mirror for revealing our appearance only.” So true. What if there was some kind of readout of your own heart or attitude each time you glanced in the mirror to check your looks? Knowing myself, I probably wouldn’t be looking in the mirror as often as I do! However, there is something to be said about a lovely, put together, classy, beautifully modest appearance; for in such an appearance, the heart is truly revealed. A sloppy, un-ironed, unkempt appearance makes for a poor testimony for a Christian.

My little three-year-old granddaughter sees me every day. Every day, to the best of my ability, I try to dress my best. One day, I was doing some cleaning and organizing around the house in a jean skirt. It wasn’t torn or raggedy or anything—just not the neatest looking skirt I own. I had to run some errands and decided I could just throw a light coat over my outfit and not bother to change. Madison, upon discovering I was going out, actually looked me up and down and said, “Gram? Are you going out like that??? ”Needless to say…I got changed. Our appearances speak volumes about us. We should not be careless in our dress. First impressions are usually lasting impressions and the way we look goes a long way in our witness and testimonies.

One time, my husband and I took a visiting pastor and his family out to eat. We took them to an establishment we often visited and one where we have been very careful to maintain our standards for the gospel’s sake. We were to meet this man and his family at the restaurant. Without going into all the sordid details, I was so disappointed when they all piled out of the car. Sloppy, unkempt children, followed by a disheveled looking mother with a runny nosed infant at her hip. The man looked the most decent in the group, but seemed totally oblivious to the way the rest of the family looked. I have to say, I was very embarrassed to go into this restaurant with them. The family drew more stares than I care to remember, though as they were leaving I stayed behind a minute to help the waitress clean the table, which is a topic for another article another day. Sloppiness is not next to godliness. Everyone can afford to be clean and to be neat. Christians should always bear in mind who they represent and to the very best of their ability, show that they belong to the King.

2008-02-26T11:30:00.000-05:00

"Be Careful How You Counsel"

The faithful people of our congregations normally take our counsel to heart. Overall, I would say that when a pastor or his wife takes the time to invest in someone who has questions or needs, usually their advice is heeded. I know before my husband and I were in the ministry, whenever we spoke to a pastor, we just assumed the counsel or direction would be solid and spiritually grounded. We might have bounced our particular problems off our peers and sorted things out to the best of our abilities, but, there was just something so comforting in pouring your heart out to someone whom you regarded to be spiritually seasoned. Keeping these things in mind-may I speak plainly? We’d better watch what we say. Too many times I’ve been around the all-knowing sages who take it upon themselves to tell some poor troubled soul exactly what the Lord is thinking. I’d be careful about that. That’s a mighty big conjecture on our part.

Then there are the counselors who don’t have a clue as to what counsel they should give. And so they just give their own home grown opinion. Years ago a very close, very young friend of mine was having serious marital problems. As she went for some counseling it was suggested to her that her husband was drinking too much coffee and that if he stopped, conjugal bliss would certainly be theirs. This innocent young woman sincerely considered the advice but soon discovered that whether her husband drank decaf, regular, or espresso-it had no bearing on their sad situation. It wasn’t until years later, when the man was triumphantly won to Christ that his home and marriage had significantly improved. Years of heartache could have been avoided if someone would have confronted that young man about his lack of spirituality and made him accountable for his actions.

Occasionally, there are members of our churches who seem to require counseling every single service. And you feel you are telling them the same thing over and over. While many of us have experienced this, it is still important to remember that we are ambassadors for Christ and we must speak the truth in patience, longsuffering and love. Be composed, forbearing and gentle; prayerfully considering the path the Lord would have you take in counseling these souls.

What a wonderful privilege we in the ministry have to be in a position to actually be able to encourage our saved brothers and sisters onto higher ground. As we do so, be careful, be cautious, a conscientious counselor, a loving listener. Someone who is known for their Christ like wisdom and a life that proves they walk with the Lord.

2008-01-29T11:26:00.000-05:00

A pastor’s wife can be a terrific asset to her husband’s ministry if she really learns to love and understand people. By truly loving them, she will be very willing to help and give of herself by wanting the best for everyone and their children. By understanding them, she will be patient, longsuffering, and willing to go the second mile. Here are a few things you should, however, avoid at all costs:

1. Don’t react. You may cause your husband unnecessary problems in the church if you are the type to either react or overreact to any little issue.

2. Don’t have your hands in every single aspect of the ministry. It’s not necessary. It’s one thing to gently oversee certain areas and quite another to control everything.

3. Don’t ever betray a confidence. A confidence betrayed is a wound and will cause some to question whether or not you can be trusted.

4. Don’t make rules that your husband isn’t aware of.

5. Do not insist on your way of doing things all the time.

6. Be patient with people. Remember how patient the Lord is with us.

7. Don’t overwork and overload certain ladies and teens because they’re always so willing to work.

8. Roll up your sleeves and get busy. There’s no reason we can’t work right along with the ladies.

9. Don’t look for your sense of value or appreciation from others. Work with all your heart for the glory of God.

As a true servant to the Lord, her good husband and to others, a wise pastor’s wife “…earnestly desireth the shadow...” Job 7:2. Our place of service is right beside our husbands and we shouldn’t look for praise or recognition. Everything we do—no matter how much, no matter how many hours we spend behind the scenes—is all just our reasonable service.

If you struggle with feelings of insignificance or feel you are not appreciated for all you do, I want to challenge you to head into this New Year with a new perspective. Don’t look around you for the reward of you labor, but count it all joy that you have the wonderful privilege to serve Christ. Let all you do be done for Christ’s glory and not for the praise of men. After all, the works of our hands are such a small token compared to all He has done for us.

2007-12-03T10:26:00.000-05:00

I’m thinking of the holidays and all of the wonderful moments that come along with them. No doubt, as a pastor’s wife, you’ll have your hands pretty full with Christmas parties, plays, brunches, and so much more—not the least of which will be all the activities you’ll be orchestrating for your own family.

As a pastor’s wife, I try to be especially considerate of the ladies at this time of year; so I do not expect them to work their fingers to the bone pulling together all of these activities while I go have my nails done. They have every bit as much shopping, preparing, baking, wrapping, decorating, and planning to do as I have, so how could I possibly pile more on them? I try to do as much as I possibly can and with all their help we have really spectacular holidays around here. There’s fun, great fellowship, jolly activities, and surprises everywhere you look—and we all get to enjoy these times immensely!

Be careful about what you expect from the ladies of the church during this busy season. Don’t overload them. Make your affairs simple but beautiful, and everyone will enjoy themselves and remember these special times with fondness in the years to come.

For the Pastor's Wife

2007-11-06T14:16:00.001-05:00

“She has,” said he, “the milk of human kindness coursing through her veins.” So goes the line from a story of long ago. In the ministry, we work with all types of people, don’t we? I think, based upon our own experiences and the conversations I’ve had with many in the ministry, one of the most difficult aspects of the ministry for many can be the hurtful comments, actions, and even innuendos that come from those we’ve endeavored to help the most. You just never expect it from them because we have this funny notion that the brothers and sisters we’ve really stood beside, supported, and literally pulled up to higher ground would be our Acquillas and Priscillas for the duration of our ministries—if not our lives. But I’ve known more pastors than not, who agree that this is not usually the case.

I think—overwhelmingly—the people of God have that milk of human kindness in them. As I write this, I see the faces of members of our own church who are so Christlike, so consistent and so kind. They serve—boy do they serve! They smile, they assist, they offer—they’re right on the hub. They obviously love Christ and that loves shines out of them in all they do—in all they are. Their love for their Pastor and his family—by the way—is passed right on to their beautiful children. Talk about wise parenting! Talk about a win-win situation! Your kids will never have a better friend than your pastor.

The problem for us comes when we get so hurt because we expect the same love and kindness that we’ve shown to be reciprocated. But think with me know, is that really Christian thinking? Should we walk around all hurt and down-in-the-dumps because of all we’ve done for someone? No, we shouldn’t. Eyes on Christ, and take your eyes off those who may mistreat you for a moment and ask yourself, “Am I always appreciative of all Christ has done for me? Am I quick to thank Him and shower Him with praise? Does He have my undying loyalty? Am I His Acquilla or Priscilla?” If your answer to all of theses questions is the same as mine—a lame, pathetic, “No,” then really, we don’t even have the right or the “luxury” of spending one moment more worrying about how others treat us. Keep serving, keep working, keep loving the Lord. Jesus himself said offences would come. But commit Romans 8:31 to memory, “What shall we then say to these things? If God be for us, who can be against us?” What promise there is in that verse, and what inspiration! Tonight, when you pillow your head, leave these heartaches and hurts with the Lord and dwell instead on Christ and how much we owe our great Saviour.